As weather remains grim, and retail outlets continue to place dazzling ‘SALE’ signs in their windows, the British Medical Council have detected a surge in the worrying mental illness ‘SSS’ (Subconscious Shopping Spree).
The illness is most prevalent in city centres, and particularly in enclosed malls, where shoppers are liable to become too dazed by colours and cut prices to navigate to the exit. One Manchester shopper, Fiona Scoble, reported how she had suffered from this terrifying handicap:
“I just popped out of work to buy some new headphones in Currys. Suddenly I blacked out, and when I came around I was at the till in COAST buying two half-price cardigans.
“What I can’t work out is how I managed to try them on, along with a summer dress and a pair of shoes, in the dressing room, without ever regaining consciousness.”
Several major banks have come forward to offer counselling to women whose bank accounts have shrunk overnight without their knowledge, only to be replaced by heaps of reduced price accessories. Unfortunately the petition sent to the Bank of England, which called for banks to refund purchases made by those suffering from SSS, has been ignored.
While SSS predominantly affects women, men are not immune, though reports suggest that SSS tends to attack men when they are closer to video game stores, while women are most susceptible when in the vicinity of shoe shops.
Investigations are underway to find a cure for this devastating and prevalent disease. However, one spokesman from the British Medical Council did suggest that as a preventative measure, women should only enter a shopping centre after donning very dark glasses, and after stapling their credit card to their desk.
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