The abridged and (hopefully) amusing version of Emma and Fibi's night in Cambridge, 24/9/09:
Chapter 1: Emma arrives in Cambridge at 7pm and her and Fibi set off on their merry way to pizza express where they glug down a bottle of wine, eat 2 slightly cold pizzas, talk about life the universe and everything, and Fibi tries to teach Emma how to flirt (unsuccessfully? maybe not! See chapter 11!)
Chapter 2: Slightly tipsy, our heroines hop in a taxi to the beautiful village of Grantchester, where they force themselves to drink another glass of watery but surprisingly potent red wine before staggering out in the dark down to the punt of doom...
Chapter 3: Emma and Fibi befriend weird beardy guy (who gives Emma a roll-up - which she surprisingly enjoys), punt lady, american punt lady, and Sam the punter who is apparently a novice and who wants to drink champagne whilst punting a boat of drunken people along a pitch black river
Chapter 4: Scary japanese film, amusing B-movie film, scary Birds attacking us movie (weird beardy Tom not happy about scary birds), scary scottish wicker man film. Lots of champagne. Pissed guy on boat jumps off to have a piss (ironic) and splashes in water. Emma mocks weak bladders, something she may come to regret, see next chapter
Chapter 5: Drunken people get out, apart from very drunken Emma and Fibi, who continue in punt on pitch black river with Sam and american punt lady, probably embarrassing themselves with comments and questions. Emma's bladder almost explodes
Chapter 6: Emma and Fibi arrive back in town, where a desperate to pee Emma tries to run out of the punt docks the wrong way and then do her business up an "alley" (in fact, not an alley, a busy road with many restaurants). They run up the street to the cinema bar thing, which hungover Emma cannot remember name of, and run into bathroom. Best.Pee.Ever
Chapter 7: Emma buys Fibi and herself another red wine (big mistake) but they do get a delegate's discount. They sit in an empty bar and talk deeply, meaningfully and profoundly about life (translation: drunkenly, loudly and stupidly)
Chapter 8: Fibi's then boss arrives, not drunk, joins their table and they proceed to talk to him through their hair (Fibi) and not be able to focus on him (Emma). He seems to know all Fi's secrets... Emma tries to stop Fi revealing more secrets. Fi worries about her lazy eye.
Chapter 9: Emma liberates a bag of revels from the Cinema
Chapter 10: Emma and Fibi wander around Cambridge (note from author: Our heroines actually can’t remember this part AT ALL. Their next memory is...)
Chapter 11: They go to get a vegetarian kebab. Emma flirts with the kebab man, who keeps touching her and saying "oh, Emma" and gives them free pizza. The kebab staff try to persuade a loudly disbelieving Emma and Fibi that Barack Obama came to the Kebab shop. Whatever. (Note to selves: get the photo they took of Emma and Fibi and destroy)
Chapter 12: They walk back MILES to house of doom, dropping the kebab and pizza along the way. They have a loud theological debate that makes Fibi's head hurt and which Emma cannot remember
Chapter 13: They sleep for 3 hours
Chapter 14: Within 20 minutes of getting up, they are in a taxi on way to town. The taxi drops them off and they walk in a circle back to where it dropped them to go to a little Italian cafe. Handsome cafe man can tell they are hungover. They eat yoghurt and drink juice, tea and iced tea. Everything tastes gross. Emma calls Barack Obama "Barack Osama Obama" They laugh a lot. They walk unbelievably slowly to the taxi rank, where they have an emotional goodbye. Emma gets a taxi to the railway station (nb. time is 7.58am), Fibi wanders off to find her bike
The End
Appendices: The following texts from Emma and Fibi followed directly after chapter 16:
Emma: "my pyjama bottoms just fell out of my bag outside the train station! Arg! Tried to pay taxi driver with euros, not impressed! really need loo Now this has become a stream of consciousness text! Have a good day chick, thank you for 1 of the best nights EVER! Love you long time xxx"
Fibi: "You fruitloop! Just sing aloud to yourself that'll help the varmit. After u left I walked round town laughing to myself and hiccuping. Then I bought some yazoo. then I found my bike and patted it on the handlebars like a dog. Love u mrs magoo! Ur ace!xxx"
Emma: "What's yazoo? Sounds gd, i want some.... Driest mouth ever. Gonna get a loaf of bread in London, and maybe some grapes. A v.posh business woman opposite me has an "Am I bovered?" ring binder. Weird!xxx"
Emma: "just remembered what yazoo is. I do want some!xxx"
Fibi: "I drank too much yazoo. Auauurgh... Hope you feel better! I have literally no idea how to do the work I've been given so I'm just squinting at the computer screen waiting for something to happen.xx"
Emma: "I just got here [work] and realised most of the clean clothes in my bag have some toothpaste on them somewhere...! Damn! Hope your work magics itself done!"
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