10 Ways to be more English

Good Day Sirrah! Or should I say, cor blimey luv, it’s time to be more English! Here’s how:

One) Get yourself a big old hunk of meat or fish, roast it for hours (no “rare” food here please! Make sure it’s very very dead!), add some delicious roast potatoes (Mmm, Nigella Lawson ones = to die for), a few other veg (this writer enjoys mashed carrots and swede, broccoli and sweetcorn), and pour a generous amount of Ah Bisto gravy all over the top. But this delicious meal must NOT be partaken of on any other day but a Sunday. You will be shunned. And you have been warned.

Two) Queue. Just queue. You are allowed to look annoyed, but you will NEVER say anything. Just queue.

Three) Listen to the Beatles / Rolling Stones. They are British institutions and they rock the world. Here’s my favourite of each: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntpgeMdcdcU and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_VbImuG71M

Four) Have a picnic in any weather. It will make you truly English if you can peel and eat your boiled egg whilst huddling behind a sapling in gale force winds / sleet / snow / rain. You can also eat in the car: this is a fun family trip out:- drive to a park, sit in your car in the car park and eat your boiled eggs / pork pies / crisps / juice cartons etc. Go for brisk walk around park for 2 mins in your macs, then run back to car and drive home. Perfect day out.

Five) Read Moll Flanders. I double dare you. (Take that, Madame Bovary!)

Six) If you are female, watch “Pride and Prejudice”, the BBC version with Colin Firth, at least 6 times (that’s only 36 hours, and you don’t have to do it in a row, though it is nice). If you are male, watch it anyway, you might love it.

Seven) Learn how to talk about the weather. This is crucial to being English. Most conversations start with a missive on the weather: “Gosh, isn’t it cold / wet / sunny today?” and “Did you hear it is the wettest / driest / windiest day / month / year on record?” are two of my personal favourites. (Delete as appropriate, do not try and say all those things at once, people will assume you are mad. Though they will be too polite to say it and will probably agree that it is indeed the wettest and also driest AND windiest day, month AND year on record)

Eight) Never let a member of the opposite sex (or, indeed, the same sex, if you are that way inclined) know you are interested in them unless you are drunk first. You do not let people know you like them until a) you are sure they like you (which you will never know because of the aforementioned rule) and b) you are drunk enough to do some bump and grind in a club. (Fi and her flirty shoulders may disagree with me, but I rest my case based on the fact that after Uni, when we were all so drunk that some of us actually got partners, post-Uni all my single friends have remained single. The dating world in England is tough. So have a drink.)

Nine) Have a Barbeque. You know you really really want to. And don’t forget to talk about the weather.

Ten) Moan about, but simultaneously protect ‘til the death, the British pound (and that’s about as political as I’m gonna get folks)

Disclaimer: This is in NO way mocking the Brits, I am English and love my country, I just tell it like it is.

Next to receive the Em treatment (unless I get complaints about how racist I am being): Italy! Ciao for now!